Taking risks and taking stock

Today I have been thinking of memes. Not the memes you visually see on social media, but the me – me – me’s that seem to me to be so insecure and immature that they have to, like a toddler in need of attention – make it all about me-me-me. In an effort to be honest and transparent, I am doing some self-checks to determine if I am in a depressive cycle or not. I do cycle through depression, sometimes it’s physical where the allergens I am so very sensitive to are making me feel unwell and poorly and depressed. Sometimes it’s situational where I am struggling with interference by people’s actions or a circumstance in life. Sometimes it’s the emotional overload. There are times that I can pinpoint a reason or reasons for a cycle. There are times that I work things out through my creative outlets – whether visual or written. There are times when I struggle to dogpaddle in the ocean of life where I’ve been thrown or the current has dragged me. It’s how we respond, right?

So in taking time today to reflect, think, poke at and listen to myself and my body to determine if a) this is a depressive cycle, b) what is the trigger for it and c) what action(s) do I need and want to take; I stumbled over an insight. A lot has happened over the past year. A lot! In the past year I have had to deal with more people than I ever have had to deal with before. Many things had changed. Now I know that as a whole, we humans do not like a lot of change. However, I have been practicing the art of looking at change as opportunities, learning things, experiencing new things, etc. I took risks and have put myself out there – in new situations, in new roles, trying new things and being around new people. This is what I have found. 1) yes, I am in a depressive cycle. That’s good to know because there’s a reason for my feelings – I can cope with what I know (at least most of the time). 2) identifying those triggers. Yes, it’s physical, but it’s also situational.

The physical I can cope with physically. I can get out in nature more, or at least a walk. I can make sure I’m not overexposed to allergens. I can do some self-care. I can work on meditating. I can do art. I can take time to write. I can manage my needed solitude and people time. Situationally, especially with the people situations, I’ve struggled. There are things that I know that make it harder to be heard – I am an introvert, I am a woman, I am older, I am polite, I’m not “popular” and I do NOT fawn or gush over people. I purposely got myself involved in a steering group. We meet every other month and the observer and listener in me while trying to control the eye rolls and sighs because of the behaviours of some of these people has also been really fascinated by what these behaviours revealed. The steering group has a purpose which is supposed to benefit the community – but there are definitely people there whose purpose in joining the steering group is to benefit themselves and their own organizations. There are the needy people: they’re quick to speak, quick to interrupt others, quick to downplay others, always trying to get that needed attention on themselves. Even though we have this diverse group of behaviours a good facilitator will be aware and take the necessary actions to ensure everyone is heard and respected. Unfortunately, to my perspective, this hasn’t happened. While my most felt reaction is that I haven’t been listened to or respected – I have seen other women treated in the same way while others are gushed over and given extra time. I see new people coming in with those same behaviours and I know how much I struggle with the ones who are already there - - can I actually handle more of the same?

I have been wondering about it all. Can I handle this? The last meeting we had the need for workshops was brought up, I quickly raised my hand and vocalised that I’d love to do a workshop. I even have one I’ve been working on. Somehow I was completely ignored and another person was asked to do workshops. Even later on, I spoke directly to the facilitator about my workshop and was told I’d need to collaborate. Hmmm, the other person wasn’t told this. And so I have been wondering….is it worth my time, my value, to keep pushing for fairness, inclusion, diversity and the community? Will anyone listen? So I am still torn. Do I stay or do I go? There’s a stubborn part of me that says, da**it, they don’t get to drive away people because of their behaviour! There’s a part of me that says, if I’m not there, I can’t advocate for anything – but there is also part of me who has been through this many times and is tired of things never changing, of the loud people getting the attention and driving the agenda even though it’s THEIR own agenda not OUR collective agenda, and I’m tired of people using people. I have found that there are so many really interesting people in the world. People who are amazing to know – just for themselves and not for whatever use I have for them or what they can do for me!

I think I know which way I’m swaying now. Thinking about my own personal brand, I don’t want to be connected with a group that’s stuck in the past, is not diverse, is self-serving, allows rude people to lead the group and does not respect others.

So yes – the memes have been out loud and proud lately. And yes, I struggle to get anyone to listen. Yes, everything is coloured by my depressive cycle. Yes, I am stubborn and want to refuse to let poor behaviour push me out – but I’m tired. I have been job hunting for months, going on interview but never getting the position, putting myself forward for things that never happen, trying to quietly make a difference in a very loud, loud world. I have worried about everyone else, it’s time to worry about myself. So after this long, chatty and probably uninteresting for anyone else written conversation, I have made my decision. I will leave but I will tell the steering group why I am leaving.

1)     Acknowledge 2) identify 3) decide upon action 4) take appropriate action

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Slogging on…..